I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
