someone threw a dead crab at me
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
