your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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