You smell like stripper and shame
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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