I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
