Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
