So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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