Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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