Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
