Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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