New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
