Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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