paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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