Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
