I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
