i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
time to smoke my breakfast
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
