Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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