a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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