I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize