Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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