; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
