You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
