fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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