I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
