Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
