A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she smelled like a LAN party
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
