I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
