it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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