If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i came on her dog
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
