I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This baby is an asshole
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
