I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
