nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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