Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
