Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize