The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize