We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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