If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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