I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
