i think i have two assholes
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
