i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
