i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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