Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
