i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize