saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
