seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
