you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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