You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
