What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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