Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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