So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
