Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
