I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
