its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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