Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
