we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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