I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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