12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
