i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
