dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i love accidental penises.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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