who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize