We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
