Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
